Thank fucking god for Eminem. Thank god for people who don't have the bible so far up their ass that they can't walk in a straight line.
Nobody gets to put me in a box. Everyone has their assumptions about me and they're wrong and they can eat shit if they think they're better than me. I can do anything I set out to do and even if I'm behind or I wasted a few years getting high to forget how shit my dad is. I think I would go insane without the alt people and counterculture stoner fucked up misfit wackos that I keep finding myself amongst.
I've spent a few weeks trying to reinvent my image. After a horrible mushroom trip experience last month my takeaway was that I need to lock the fuck in and be responsible. I came home and tried to find ways to strip myself of all immaturity and anything that makes me stand out like a sore thumb. I get so much bullshit for being trans from random people who don't know shit about me. Maybe someone is reading this and projecting judgement onto me for the way I carry myself in this space as a trans person. As if being trans should negate my right to be angry the same way anyone else who's honest enough to acknowlege this internal rage would have.
People like my dad will never respect me. I can dress in business formal every day and go to church and wear tasteful earrings and carry myself in a boring office appropriate way every second for the rest of my life. It's not hard to play the game. But there are certain lines you can't cross in the way you exist if you want that kind of respect. I may as well try to be the pope at this point. My dad wants me in conversion therapy to fit into that kind of shit. Cunt.
There are so many of these assholes and they're boring and they will die unremembered. So fuck it. I'm going to be judged no matter what I do. We're way past the point of me being someone who could fit in in greek life or in most spaces really. I will always stick out, so why pretend like I don't? I can be successful without sacrificing my soul. All my favorite people are. Well. I have some fairly boring NPR hosts that I'm quite fond of.
I am going to live the rest of my life being perceived as a socially awkward weirdo who's kind of a dumbass sometimes. That doesn't mean I can't become a fucking god at something that I put my mind to. I have potential I just haven't been applying myself since this year. I can continue to be the top student in my class *and* continue to go to the punk dive bar down the road. Fuck you if you care.
I AM SO TIRED OF LIVING IN THIS FUCKASS HOUSE IN THIS FUCKASS CITY WITH PEOPLE THAT VOTE FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT ME FUCKING DEAD
I HATE MY FUCKING DAD HE WILL NEVER SEE ME OR RESPECT ME FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE UNLESS ITS ON HIS PREDEFINED TERMS I FUCKING HATE HIM SO MUCH HE MAKES MY LIFE A LIVING HELL
I HATE LIVING IN THIS STUPID FUCKING BASEMENT WITH NO SUNLIGHT. I HATE HAVING NOTHING BUT A BEDSHEET CURTAIN SEPARATING ME FROM ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BARGE INTO THE BASEMENT AND REMIND ME THAT I HAVE NO PERSONAL SPACE I HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHTS I HAVE NO SPACE TO LET OUT THIS FUCKING RAGE THAT KEEPS BUILDING INSIDE OF ME.
ALL OF THE FUCKING RAGE PLAYLISTS ON SPOTIFY ARE LIKE "OOOOO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO BILLIE EILISH? DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO AN NF SONG?"
do. you. want. to. fucking. kill. yourself. violently. in. front. of. everyone. who. has. ever. hurt. you.
WHERE ARE THE SONGS ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!
well obviously, i can't do that. people don't like it when you kill yourself violently in front of them and it causes all sorts of problems if things go wrong.
so INSTEAD!!!! i am making this fuckass website.
i am trying to make online friends in canada and some of these people are soooooo fucking smug about being better than americans. motherfucker if you were one diagnosis away from bankruptcy at any given moment and your government was full of fucking evil soulless homunculi who spent 50 years selling your retirement to kill people on the other side of the world and get you killed doing it and if it cost THIRTY THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS FOR IN STATE TUITION AT A SHITTY FUCKING JOKE OF A UNIVERSITY AND THE GOVERNMENT DECIDED YOU DONT QUALIFY FOR FEDERAL GRANTS BECAUSE YOU STOPPED BEING HOMELESS AND YOU ARENT AN ARBITRARY AGE SO NOW INSTEAD OF MOVING AWAY FROM YOUR FUCKASS PARENTS HOUSE YOU HAVE TO PUT THAT MONEY TOWARDS COLLEGE BEACUSE YOUR PARENTS ARE JUST AS FUCKING POOR AS YOU ARE SO THEY CANT PAY FOR JACK SHIT AND THEYRE TOO FUCKING BRAINWASHED TO EVER ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THESE RICH FUCKS IN POWER NEED TO CHOKE ON THEIR OWN COCKS
if you were in the same situation, you would be just as angry, ignorant, scared, and fucked up.
I am so tired of living in this area.
I have grown up and lived all of my adulthood within the same 40 mile radius. I've been planning a move to another country, but I just found out recently it'll be another year before I can pull it off. It feels like a cruel joke. Much to my own shagrin, I find myself once again living with my parents to save money and to get away from my toxic ex. I try to tell myself I'll make the best of this next year, and I suppose I'll have to, but to tell you the truth, I am desperate to get out.
Are there still things to do in my state? Sure, I guess. It gets a bit repetitive, though. You kind of get the gist after a couple decades. I have too many memories here – clinging, dripping off every building I drive past.
I am so tired.
Every day, I wake up and know in my bones I want to live in New York City. I want to be in the middle of everything, all the time. I want to be able to go out at 3 a.m. and find someone to cry with. I have been told over and over again that I am impulsive, reckless, crazy. I want a space that allows me to be all of those things and not even make a ripple in the pond.
The next day, I wake up and I know in my bones that I want to live in a town of 500 people. I want to know everyone in my community and hold myself with a quiet dignity so far forgtotten in our modern day. I want to read the newspaper and wave good morning to the post man. I don't want to see a chain store ever again in my life. Maybe that doesn't exist anymore. It's been choked out by the cold, unforgiving hands of the bourgeoisie. Maybe I've become a cynic.
I've spent the past three years trying to reinvent myself; a task that seems impossible with my body teathered to everyone and everything I've ever known. I want to forget it all, and I am forced to drown in it.
It will get better. One can only hope.